3/05/2025
…it’s been a minute since I’ve gone back to write in this book… It’s… a little weird to be writing again. A lot has happened in the past few days and It’s been… difficult to say the least. Its felt like, a rollercoaster of emotions, conversations, and a continuous strain of numbness coursing through my body. I guess… it’s nothing as new as before, and that’s… a little sad honestly. Part of me wonders if I bring it upon myself… even though I’m trying to live normally, or at least, as best as I can… And yet, flipping back to all of these pages… shit, I would write so many things that irritated me, things that made me feel sad, alone… unsafe. And then suddenly, they were being filled with things about Kay… It makes me feel weird.
It’s… funny, I remember I told myself that I was going in the right direction, that someone like Kay would be somebody I’d want to be with… of course I still want to be around her, but lately I’ve… been pondering what I’m feeling, a lot.
Throughout, the waiting, the listening, the observing, and moments just being around her… I don’t really know who I’ve been chasing. A part of me felt like there was enough time in the world to figure that out with her together on our own… but I didn’t put myself out there, nothing that Kay could’ve caught up on… It’s clear to me now that Kay… never knew just what I was feeling.
I guess she’s feeling some way about me now, this… mysterious girl I’ve grown fond over, and have been trying to figure out peice by peice in my head. The way I thought she saw me, its become… even more abstract, more than I thought was already possible, and yet… she still continues to be my friend, despite it all… It… it makes me tear up, I don’t know if its because of joy, that someone could have so much room in their heart to not push me away and leave me to die, or if I’m scared, that I’ve made it harder for myself to grasp just who she is…
I’ve been thinking about… what I’ve been doing, all those drawings of us in my math book, making… fantasies. I know at first it was just drawing our band, and yet… the more I started drawing her specifically. I… still like doing that, but looking back on them sometimes leaves me with… distain. There’s times I’d imagine her in my dreams, thinking of the things I’d want to say and do with her, some being small, some being big, some where I felt happy thinking about them and… then I wake up, and she’s sleeping somewhere else, with someone else…
I should know damn well that I was not made to chase someone committed to someone else… especially if it’s that redhead of all people. I know right now that I don’t… want to face Artemis, not even after me and Kay resolved things, sue me if I’m not over shit… but… I can’t just avoid her, she’ll be with Kay… there’s no way I can undermine that, nor can I undermine what makes Kay happy. Kay is… the way she is because of who she puts her trust in, and if that love she’s feeling with someone else also makes her who she is… I wouldn’t want to strip that away for my own cold world…
A part of me wishes I… knew sooner, what I didn’t do, and who I didn’t expect to see her with…. All that lost time, it could’ve been prevented, and it all doesn’t need to feel… broken. Thats just… how it happened, maybe it’s how it had to happen. Its been making my head stir, but I can’t… change how it happened, not like the rest of the shit I’ve been through…
I’ll admit, at times it… didnt feel like I was really chasing Kay, I don’t really know just who she is.. why would I know? Kay is a mystery… and yet it’s like I’ve been chasing her shadow, her image from afar, kind of like… a ghost, wherever I would follow her, I just couldn’t keep up, and I’d just… see her float away into the sky, growing more and more distant…. I try to tell myself I know who she is, who I want to be around, who I want hug, who I want to feel… but I’ve hardly scratched the surface of the game she’s been playing, she hardly even knows the one I’m stuck in…
It makes me feel awful, I don’t know where she’s been, what she’s seen, what she’s… experienced, not while we were prepping our band, not while the cards were going rampant, and not even in the snowstorm… I get so… antsy, she told me that she Loved me, but… I took it as her Loving “Me”, not that… thing you say to your friends collectively that you love them, that’s… when I fucked up. I want to believe the way she said it was true… but it’s hard, because she could’ve said it to anyone. She obviously said it to Artemis… and just how long have they’ve been a thing? Does that love… undermine what she felt for me? I don’t… want to think so, but, its always creeping up on me like some slasher movie, I don’t know how I could fight against that… We’re friends… I get it, and yet my heart knots itself in my throat, wondering if I misheard Kay twice that day, if there was even love to begin with…
…that might just be my knoted heart talking out of my ass. Kay… she feels some way for me, I guess it’s not like… oh, we’re girlfriends kind of way, but it’s a way where I can be her friend, who just so happens to be a girl… That sounds cringe writing it, I mean, I didn’t make up the English language. It’s just… hard for me to understand. I look at myself in the mirror, and I think of what really makes me special to her… out of all people she chooses to spend time with, she comes to me, even going through my windows and my vents, sometimes I’m even hoping she does… but why bother? The fact that when I touch her, I feel something I haven’t before that means so much to me… does she even know that? The fact that the first kiss I’ve had with Kay means nothing, the moment I let myself crawl out of my skin to embrace her, I got shot in the heart in the middle of the snow by her girlfriend… Sometimes I wonder what keeps me attached to a girl as far as the moon is from the sky…
…at the very least, there was… actually something really nice that happened a few days ago, something I didn’t think would happen. I managed to spend time with her at the arcade, it was a fun outing, we played some Mario Kart, we danced freely on Dance Dance Revolution, and even fought in a bloody pony fighting game. It made me feel… special, and yet, I wasn’t even her girlfriend to do it. We just… had fun, like, natural fun, I was feeling like myself…
I had a buried thought the more I was dancing with her, that Kay wouldn’tve been happy with who she was seeing, if this whole hangout she showed up to was out of pity, if this was just something to be put off, if the fun we were having in that moment meant… nothing to her. But… I don’t think I saw that when I looked into her eyes. She actually seemed… fond of me, a friendly fondness, kind of like the way I used to see and feel in my past band. A part of me… felt like I was happy, like, actually happy. I wasn’t… lying to myself, I was having fun… with Kay! And it felt amazing, hell I’d dance and play that pony fighting game some more if I could’ve…
This is… what I’ve meant, that weird feeling… anytime I see her, I can feel my heart racing, and yet I know that her heart is set somewhere else… but somewhere, deep under those mysterious walls of hers, there’s a door open, somewhere in her, it probably has a space for me, just… not in the way I pictured it.
I feel… really weird, the last time I felt loved without that… feeling of being in love was when I was in my past band, sure, some of it was mixed feelings but… I did love them, and I wanted them to stay with me forever… then we fell apart. And yet… I get here, I feel what I’m feeling for Kay, that friendly feeling, and all I can think about in the back of my mind is “What if it all went away?” Like everyone else in my life…
There’s something telling me there’s more to this. When all of that… happened, I wasn’t spreading ill-will to become her girlfriend… I’m not the best at love, or the feeling of it… I don’t know what exactly it is Kay wants with me around, especially when girls like Artemis can keep her entertained, but it’s not like… I need to hold that comparison against Kay. Maybe this is just what being friends is supposed to be. I’ve never… felt something like this without feeling useless, and yet Kay continues to make me feel like I’m someone. Maybe… I need to return the favor a different way, it’s just… hard. I really do want to love Kay, it’s just different now.
…God, fucking rambling about Kay this Kay that, I have enough pages about her to fill a book at this point. What’s really going on with me? I’ve been circling my head back and forth from my past band and my now band and the MESS in-between it all. Why can’t Rosie Star do things the easy way? It’s not just Kay who helped me with my feelings, it was Pearl too. Hell, Pearl even told me she was trying to help me out of my slump by doing something positive, and that’s her going out of her way for me… Maybe there’s different ways to go about it, but I… really need to start understanding my friends.
I really hope that I can go back to that treefort with them again… that whole thing it, I feel like I pushed my bandmates further than before… they’re looking out for me, but I’m so… proned to feeling like I fucked up, isn’t that what I did? But… they still wanted to see me afterward, maybe it’s not as big as I’m making it. If it were up to me… I’d set up a cute blanket in the middle of the fort with snacks and board games. I’d litter the ceiling with streamers and blast my cringe ass music, maybe even bring supplies to help them with their makeup… I really. REALLY want to do another girl’s makeup, my bandmates are really pretty…