2/13/2025
…I don’t even know where to begin writing this.
I don’t know just… fuck.
I was told Kay is taken. And… I guess that’s all there is to be said. I don’t know why it doesn’t surprise me, why else would she be as nice to me if not that she sees me as a friend. But like… when you’re told that information, you’re expected to figure it out yourself, that’s how its always done right? But… fuck. I can’t say I don’t feel like shit.
I don’t know why I didn’t see the signs sooner… I mean, I didn’t know to begin with, but, does that excuse anything? I’ve known that I’ve liked Kay for this long, I wanted the moment we’d have to be special, to be right for when I could tell her what I felt… I guess I was too late. Maybe that’s my fault, I just, kept these feelings to myself for so long, it didn’t feel like I needed to race against something I couldn’t see, as if, I was there for her and she was there for me… and now… I don’t know if she’ll ever be there for me again, not like how I perceived it.
…It’s not like I’m gonna start hating Kay after this. She’s… too good to hate, it wouldn’t be right of me… but, does that excuse a sense of me being hurt? I mean, you’d think someone so outdoorsy and all over the place would tap into your little ball of life and see the generosity you give them, but… maybe I was looking at this too small. Kay is a light, and a light would shine in all directions, not just mine. Even if it kills me to see when she goes… she’s going with a purpose, a gain somewhere else in a life I never knew… And Artemis… fucking Artemis. She’s the one who dropped that bombshell on me. She took my heart and shot it out back in the middle of the snow… I’m still a little… conflicted about hearing it from her, the way she stared daggers at me, the way her hair flew in the wind, how I almost couldn’t stand as I took it all in… it almost didn’t feel real.
If this is reality then… I wonder if Artemis even treats Kay right, if she treats her as happy as she depicts… I dont- I don’t know how to view Artemis, all I know is she isn’t gonna view me the same anymore either. She… has the fullest right to be mad at me though, that’s the problem. I didn’t know her and Kay kissed, I didn’t know her and Kay were a thing, and yet… It’s like I took something I shouldn’t have. Even if that something made me feel so, so much better about myself on campus, how do I know if I’m not jeopardizing her life? Or even Kay’s life? …I don’t get it, everytime I want to love something, someone, there’s always a catch, something I overlook, something I’m… never able to acquire. And yet, it’s happening all over again, I’m backed into a corner, I’m pushed to my full extent, and then I get my heart gouged out from my chest. I don’t know if Artemis… even cared to wonder what I was thinking, it’s kind of stupid when I’m here thinking of her whilst she’s thinking of Kay…
I don’t even know if I can picture them both at the same time… It puts a cold knot in my chest. I have so many questions… Has Kay done the same things to her like she did to me? Did she see herself in Artemis? Does that mean what we had… or at least, what I thought we had was a lie? I don’t think Kay would purposefully build me up like that just to take me down, she’s not… she’s not that cryptic, at least, I don’t think she is. But maybe my assumptions are what led me here…
…Well, Rosie, you wanted to love her, look where that got you. It was selfish of you to think you could be the one to partake in that life with her, or think you could’ve done something to make her feel better about herself. What was Kay even supposed to see in you? She said she sees herself, but does she even like herself?? What if she sees aspects she HATES about herself in you? Do you think you could’ve been able to help her? To be THERE for her at her worst? With all of YOUR fucked up past and crippling sense of loneliness?! Maybe she felt pity on you, maybe thats how she “seeked interest”, maybe you’re the one living in fucking fantasy land, feeding a girl with her mouth full of another girl’s taste.
While we’re at it, do you even really KNOW her?! You keep telling yourself that you do, that you “see her as a light”, what the fuck does that even entail Rosie?! You hardly know just what she thinks of what you did, and now with the bounty on your head for kissing her in a RELATIONSHIP?! What is she gonna think of you NOW huh? Not to mention the shit YOU’VE done, the shit YOU’VE gone through, what does she know?! Nothing. Have you ever knocked on HER door to know whats under that hood of hers? If she was here with you and held your hands onto her, where could you put your hands and know you wouldn’t get bit? Where could you feel her soft and plump skin and know if she even wants to even BE there with you?! Grow the FUCK UP!!! You don’t know SHIT!!!
Hell, for all you know, maybe Artemis has something you don’t, maybe she’s not the one with all the problems and trauma up her back, maybe she’s the one Kay would rather listen to, maybe she’s the one Kay would feel better caring about… Have you ever considered that you might be too MUCH for her? Maybe Kay prefer’s a girl thats simpler, maybe Kay prefer’s a girl thats prettier, maybe Kay prefer’s a girl that doesn’t concern her… hell, maybe… maybe Kay’s even felt better from that redhead in more ways then one, You don’t know if Kay even liked the kiss you gave her, the way she looks at you, the way your skin feels to her… and yet she has probably felt more, if not better from that girl’s skin than the sagged cuts of your raw flesh could even muster, just being left there to be cut open, to be pulled and played like a fucking fiddle. Maybe it’s so perfect on the other side of the fence that it’s laughable to think you even hold a candle of sincerity to Kay’s world whatsoever… You stuck your lips where you shouldn’t have. You’re the whore for wanting to feel her touch.. You’re the loose dagger hanging in her back… …and Artemis plucked you right out.
…Jesus christ Rosie, why, WHY?! WHY DO YOU CARE?! WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH?! You’ve been fucked up on thoughts like this WAY before you even heard Kay smacked face, so why dig down in yourself to feel all of this NOW?! You mean NOTHING TO HER!!! You hardly left your room, you hardly left to see the sun, you hardly CHASED that light as much as Artemis probably did, you’re a coward, you’re WEAK!!! And now you get to sink into that darkness you’re SO used to, is THIS what you wanted for yourself?! I don’t get why I have to FEEL this way, I don’t get why I NEED to feel this way!! What am I even trying to PROVE?! I HARDLY KNEW THIS WAS AN ISSUE UNTIL A FEW HOURS AGO!!!
WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!?!
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I’ve been writing in this bathroom down the hall for a while now, it seems like no one has come in here, probably because of the storm… I feel sick, half of my clothes are soaked from the snow. Hell… I think I even tore them, I don’t know how… I’ve been listening to some Billie Elish to calm myself down while writing this. I’ll admit, I turned to the garbage can with my backpack. I almost wanted to rip up my math book with all those drawings of Kay in it… but when I was just standing there, looking at the drawings of us together… I couldn’t bring myself to. Something keeps me from doing it, even when I think I’ve lost that spark, that joy, I just can’t part with the drawings… I just broke down and sobbed with it close to my chest…
…I don’t think Kay hates me, I don’t want her to… but it’s so easy to see her go, and it’s harder to know just where she’s going now… Will she… even have time for me? Can I even… feel the things I wanna feel with her? I mean… I know I won’t be able to kiss her, or like, do any of those… thoughts I’ve felt scratch on my walls… but sometimes I don’t know if I even want that. I just want her… with me, I wanna sit and show her the things I love, the things I hold dear, I want to hold her hands, I want to hug her, I want to… be close, but not in a way that feels like I’m taking something from her. I can’t decide where her heart wanders off to, or who it wanders off with… I just don’t want to be left behind. I do love her… and maybe, she loves me. But it’s like Naomi said… Pure love, whether it’s reciprocated or not, is still there… maybe I’m not sure how it looks like… But… I’d feel honored to be loved by her to some extent.
I don’t want to lose her… I don’t want to lose all of this… I don’t want to be put back in my bed again, I don’t want to feel like my body is being ripped apart every time I leave my room… I want to feel close to her, I want to feel close to Pearl, I want to feel close to our band, I want to sink my nails in and not let go. I want to see the sights, I want to see the stars, I want to feel like I can be myself again, I want to look to my sides and know my friends are there with me… and if Kay doesn’t feel what I feel after this, I understand completely… I’m putting this book down, I’m gonna go talk with Pearl, maybe she knows something I don’t, I just hope we’re still good…
Rosie, how the fuck, did you get here… how did you not see where you were going? Why do you always not see where you’re going… I wish I could close my eyes and just make it all better…